Bad Advertising

I am looking for a health club/fitness club/someplace to work out that people won’t stare at my fat ass climbing onto an elliptical machine. I’m not saying I am going to actually JOIN, but given the fact that our afternoon walks are (a) enjoyable (b) a great time to catch up with Cami and (c) soon to be in 100 degree heat Cami and I are thinking we should find someplace better (read: Air Conditioned) to spend our work-out time.

On one internet site for the Tri-City Court Club (nice place by the way, I don’t think the bad typing/editing is a reflection of their ability to have a lack of laughing & pointing at said ass on said elliptical) I found this gym gem (I made a funny – heehee):

For those of you who are not as anal about the English language as I am – let me just point out the flaws:

1. The best way to find out if a club is a good fit, it IS to try it out.

2. a Membership Specialists will contact you… (is it one, or will they ALL be calling me?)

3.  your trial memberhsip (so it’s not a real memberSHIP until you’ve actually joined, right now it’s just an imitation membership – like a dollar store knock-off of a membership.  It looks the same at first glance, then you start working out and you find out you’re only burning 10% of the calories of a real membership).

4. Must be 18+ year or older (apparently they only had a certain amount of s’s and the Specialist”s” took the last one. Selfish bitches.)

Cami says they must have let one of the meatheads do the website in their time between reps – but I personally think it was the teenie-bopper at the health drink “bar” (don’t even get me started on how much that is NOT a “Bar”) who got hopped up on protein and energy additives which made their hands shake so badly they couldn’t type and then their blood sugar dropped, they collapsed and couldn’t run the spell/grammar checker. What? It could happen!

I may or may not sign up for the trial membership – but I think I will get a better workout trying to keep my mouth shut about how bad their website is than I will on that elliptical. Seriously, this was not the only issue, their “tour” of the club consisted of pictures of empty workout equipment, a photo of a 50 year old woman in a hot tub, a shot of the parking lot, an old guy sitting on a workout bench in too-short shorts, and some other not very flattering photos. I have been to this place! It’s actually REALLY nice!

Personally I think the competition has hacked their website – it’s the only explanation more plausible than my hopped up teenie-bopper theory.

Things they are a-changing

Ok, so check it out, I now have Twitter (look to your right and you should see the last few updates), I have a new layout (check out the awesomeness that is my Header – yes, I took that picture) AND I may, sometime this weekend actually have a non-leaking, fully functional bathroom.  If and when it ever gets done, I do promise to share photos.  :)

Happy Weekend all!

Google Reader

Okay, I admit, I have worked and tried and I have found the wonder that is Google Reader. However, it is just not as great as I wished it were. Half the fun of reading a blog, especially by someone you don’t know is seeing their blog – seeing their personality come out in the layout, the colors, the design, the extras, and the photos. Not only does Google Reader not have any of that, it isn’t even pretty in its own right.

Sigh

Sorry Carrie, but I think I will only use Google reader only in those horrible moments when I can’t remember the address for your blog.

Oh, one thing the reader did do is it reacquainted me with some blogs I haven’t read in years and other blogs I’d never heard of. Here are some links for you to add to your reader (or whatever):

Carrie’s Blog My best friend and the sweetest, most artistic person I know (who actually DOES something with her talent no less!)

drunkenbee (I know she says she’s on a break, but she’s worth reading some archives so get to it!)

ejshea.com

Miss Doxie

HannahBeth

Oh, and I had to go looking for this, but I just had to share probably the most memorable and funny blog post EVER:

Here’s something funny. Master V and I were playing Trivial Pursuit
the other night. Now, I have to tell you that this is sort of a contentious
thing in our career together, as I am a huge fan of the game and he is…well,
to be honest, he hates to get his ass kicked. Thus, he normally refuses to play
with me. (Fact: I hate to lose more than he does. I’m not above cheating with
my teammates, either. Sue me.)

I am not saying that I am some idiot savant who can beat anybody
at Trivial Pursuit, I am just saying that Master V does not have nearly the
great repository of useless knowledge rolling around his head that I do. If
it were called “Musical Trivia and Obscure Sports Facts Pursuit,”
you can bet five thousand that he’d kill me every time.

Anyway, he decided (and it may have been the drink, maybe not)
that he’d play ONE game with me. I yippied and skippied and happily dragged
the game out from its hiding place underneath one of our sitting room chairs
(easily accessible!), and we commenced playing. I have to tell you, I love this
game. We played and giggled and made fun of each other’s stupid answers, but
there’s one that shall go down in Chao Camp history. It went a little something
like this:

Master V: Okay. You ready? Pay attention, because this
one’s really…easy as fuck. What kind of sighting became more common after
the movie Jaws was released?

AB: [thinking hard, taking helpful sip of drink] Um…oh!
Aluminum?

Master V: What? A-what?

AB: Aluminum.

Master V: You want to rethink that? I don’t know what you’re
talking about.

AB: You know, aluminum! Aluminum siding. I don’t know why
that’s related to a movie about sharks…ohhhhh. Siding! Sighting! Goddamn
it! I want a do-over!

Master V: I don’t think so, Joel. [laughs hysterically]
Gaalrslkgjagbah! Paaaaah! Ha! Nice one, baby.

AB: Shutupihateyou. Shut! It! Hee. Aluminum siding. I should
win on retarded alone.

This is where we laugh ourselves silly for about 10 hours. Cut
to later, in the bed that night. “Baby, I want you to be careful this week
when you’re driving to work. I hear there have been several aluminum sightings
in the D/FW area.” “I will, don’t worry. My friend Jeff from work
accidentally got his leg bitten off in a nasty bungalow incident the other day.”

Aluminum sighting. If you think my journalling insecurities are
unfounded, know that shit like this is one of the reasons.

Please be careful out there. It’s still summer–prime season for
your house to eat you alive.

That’s from Hashai but she doesn’t write anymore – sigh – so you’ll have to take my word for it when I say she is my inspiration and I still aspire to be as funny as she is.

I also, probably WAY behind the times, found Dooce, which I love and think I may try to take more simple “here’s what I did today” photos. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do a “photo a day” but I can at least try for once a week or so. :)

Mom’s Day

Yeah, here I sit on a day that’s supposed to be all about me, all alone and bored. My kid spent the night at her friend’s house so there was no badly-made breakfast in bed, no home-made cards, etc etc. I know, I let her go, but I didn’t think about this morning and how much it would suck.

Oh well – I’m going to go take a shower and then I’m going to have to find something Mother’s Day-ish to do.

For everyone else- Happy Mother’s Day – hope your day is going better than mine.

Embarassing statements and white trash neighborhoods

I nearly came on here during the whole bathroom debacle and wrote “Man, I worked in the bathroom all night long and my ass is killing me!” Yeah, it would have been really funny when people started laughing at me and asking if I needed more fiber in my diet and I didn’t get it.

While taking a walk through my neighborhood today I noticed a few things.

Why is it that just taking a walk is fine, but the minute you put on headphones and bend your elbows (ala speed walkers) you are immediately not just out for a leisurely stroll, you are officially EXERCISING and people know it. It’s so much pressure!! So now, when I’m on my walks I have this horrible dilemma – do I bend the arms and announce that I’m exercising? What if people wonder why I’m not going faster, or wearing workout clothes? What if people see me and think “oh, honey, you are beyond help, you might as well just go eat bon bons and wait for death”?? Yes, these are the things I think and yes, I do believe that everyone that sees me actually has some thought about me – because I know I’m thinking about them!

I also noticed on my walk just how charming white trash can be.

First I noticed the 4 year old outside in 65 degree weather with her swimming suit on, no shoes, hose running/spraying “washing” her bike. Now I’m all for cleanliness and even for a little fun with the hose when you’re 4 but a swimming suit?? Really? In April?? Come on! And of course, it wouldn’t complete the scene unless the house she belonged to didn’t still have their Christmas lights still up!

And then, across the street and down one house from the poor unsupervised child was a woman walking to her car wearing a winter coat and ear muffs. Seriously – is the weather really that different from one side of the street to the other?? It reminded me of one of those collage scenes you see on posters with little vignettes for every season. I was just waiting for a snowman to show up in a yard around the corner.

Anyway, those are the things I noticed today.

Other news tidbits: American Idol got it right this year, the final three is nearly exactly as I said it should be all along, except it should be Carly, not Syesha as the last girl. I love both the Davids and can’t wait to see which will win. I love Cook, but Archuleta has all those teenie boppers voting for him and what else do they have to do all day but vote?? Come on, we old fogies are going to have to dial our poor fingers off! Cam you imagine American Idol before redial or before push-button phones? Hah! Each person would get 420 votes and they’d be thrilled!

Carrie told me all about Google Reader today and I’m trying to figure it out, but I can’t understand how it’s any better than an RSS reader I can put on my desktop. I’m going to keep futzing with it because Carrie is usually right about cool stuff (if you ignore the unhealthy obsessions with paper) but I’m not optimistic.

I am still on the search of AR books for Ally – this is the most cruel invention on earth. Give a kid a “reading level” that they are supposed to only read from (for Ally it’s 5.2 – 7.0 which means she can read books that are considered 5th grade through 7th grade appropriate) and then DON’T HAVE BOOKS SHE WANTS TO READ IN THOSE LEVELS!! Argh You don’t even want to know how many countless hours I have spent trying to find adventure/ghost/scary/cool/funny books that are #1-appropriate (ie not too scary), #2-interesting to her and #3 categorized as an AR book so that she can get credit for it!

What’s really frustrating about the whole process is that she is so demoralized about the whole process, she is less and less interested in reading the more I have to tell her “you can read that, but you’ll have to read something else you’re NOT interested in if you want credit in class”. Sad part is, she’s not going to get to go to Silverwood with her friends because she’s 15 credits (or approx 3 books) away from the goal and she can’t find a damned book worth reading ( in her opinion) so she won’t apply herself. Eww, I can’t believe I just said that! If I start talking about her potential, someone had better just put me out of my misery.

So that’s been my last few days – hopefully this week will finish better than it started out.