The worst day

Today my kid had the ” worst day in the history of man”

She’s 14.

That happens when you’re 14.

Her favorite curse words are “OH Mylanta!” and “Fridge!”

While brushing teeth it was “I can’t get the toothpaste on it! Eww there’s a hair!  No! crap!”

There were also some Napoleon Dynamite impressions in there.

Her first tweet after school was how she could only trust ONE person in her entire school.

I had to bribe her with a Slurpee to get her to spill what happened.  Boys and ex-friends were involved, of course.

And she says she should write a book about it.

Yes, maybe she should.

Sorry honey, tomorrow will be better.  Until then, I feel some 80’s music coming on. :)

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You want me to put it where??

I have this thing in my office that is best described as a stack of cubbies.  It used to be out in the reception area of the office and was used as a filing system for forms that we needed handy access to: like coversheets for faxes, transmittals for stuff we were sending to court, etc.

After a while, we were only using maybe one or two forms out of this thing and it was just in the way and ugly so we moved it into my office and I use it to put my envelopes, labels, and other crap in.  It is only about half full and sits under my desk but whatever – its not taking up space.  The forms got moved into a binder called, conveniently, the forms notebook.  Its even labeled “FORMS NOTEBOOK” in big fat letters.

Anyway, boss comes in my office today with a document, kneels down and starts reading the old labels on each cubby.

Boss: “I have this form, we don’t need it very often but we need to save it….”

Me: “Forms don’t go in here”

Boss: “We won’t need it very often, but we need to keep it”

Me: “Forms don’t go in here”

Boss: (finally looks at me with a confused look on her face) “But we need to save it.”

Me: “Okay, but forms don’t go in here.”

Boss: “You think I should put it in the forms notebook?”

sigh

Hey man, your lyrics suck

Ally likes this song called “The Ocean” by Mae.

The actual song (rhythm/melody/etc)  is fine but the lyrics … gad.  Its to the point now that Ally won’t listen to it with me in the room because it makes me laugh which pisses her off.

The part the cracks me up is this:

Am I alone in this?
Never a night where I can sleep myself ’til day.
We must try to figure it out, figure it out.
It won’t be that easy.
We lost it somehow.

You come over unannounced.
Silence broken by your voice in the dark.
I need you here tonight,
Just like the ocean needs the waves.

Okay, first of all, I’m pretty sure the ocean doesn’t NEED the waves, the ocean would still be there if it didn’t have waves.

Second, if it does need waves, its needs them to stir up the muck at the bottom of the ocean so that the dead stuff down there can get found by the fish.  So…the fish need the waves, not the ocean.

Third, I will concede that without the waves we wouldn’t have beaches or at least not the sandy, pretty ones we like. So…the fish and the beaches need waves.

I still don’t see how the ocean needs the waves.  If anything this guy is telling this perfectly nice girl, yeah you can come over.  I don’t really NEED you to, but if you do you can stir up the muck around my house so it’ll rot faster.

How romantic.

Why I hate Fridays

No one ever thinks I’m serious when I say that I hate Fridays but its true.

If something is going to go wrong it’ll happen on a Friday.

If people are going to be pissy, snotty, in a hurry, missing a sense of humor, or rude I’ll have to talk to them on a Friday.

Every task that I wasn’t able to do all week (or put off all week) will HAVE to be done on Friday.

Every task that I need to do next week will now need to be done on Friday.

Fridays are days when people don’t want to work and are pissed at me when I make them.

Fridays are days when people call the office with an EMERGENCY and don’t understand why I can’t fix it before the weekend. Nevermind that they’ve known about this emergency since Tuesday.

You still don’t believe me? Well, let me give you an example of a Friday. This is all true, exactly how it happened and if you don’t believe me, ask the people I work with.

Woke up late (nothing new here) I usually don’t worry about what time I get to work as long as I beat my boss. Not that she says anything, its just a goal. Anyway, ran to get my only clean pair of jeans out of the dryer and realize my cat has peed IN THE DRYER. She only ended up peeing on two things, but of course one of them is my jeans. So much for clean jeans.

Pull into the parking lot at work right behind my boss. End up walking into the office with her. Lovely. Well…at least I don’t smell like cat pee.

As I’m getting my cup of coffee I get a call from an opposing counsel’s secretary. I spend the next 10 minutes getting my head ripped off by a snotty, pushy woman who insists that I am a moron. Now I’m too pissed off to even drink the damned coffee.

Spend the rest of the morning scrambling to get an ex parte order written and arguing with my boss about the best strategy on the case. I won that argument, but that means more work for me. Its Friday, so I have 3 other projects that HAVE to get done today but now I have to do all this first.

Have to unplug my printer 3 times and restart WordPerfect twice to get documents to print because my computer has decided NOT to communicate with the printer unless I jump through hoops. Because its Friday and it doesn’t want to be there any more than I do.

Meanwhile my boss has taken up residence across from me at my desk. She has moved my things out of her way and brought her work in there instead of going into her office with her desk. Apparently she wants company.

I didn’t get a real lunch hour (too much to do) but that’s okay, I’ll just run to the Sunmart, get a pop and a red bull (remember, I didn’t drink my coffee so now my ass is dragging). Get the pop and the red bull, go to the car and open the red bull which was dumb because the pop doesn’t fit in the cupholder very well and I should really hold the pop on the drive. Oh well, I’ll just be careful. Pull out of the parking lot – no problem. Drive the mile back to the office – no problem. Pull into our parking lot – no problem. Turn the corner in the parking lot to park the car – pop flies across the car. In my reaction to grab the pop before it spills, I take my hand off the steering wheel mid-turn which means I’m now heading directly for a tree. Slam on the breaks to keep from hitting said tree and the momentum causes my purse to go flying off the passenger seat and into the 32 ounce puddle on the floor. Upside down.

Good news? I didn’t hit the tree.

Throughout the day, every time my cell phone rang or I got a personal call or text, you can bet the boss was RIGHT THERE. Not that she cares a lot when we take care of stuff like that, but she does frown on it when its in her face and when we’re busy. Both of which were true today. Because its Friday, of course.

One of our newer clients comes in, I’ve only met him once and I have no idea if he even has a sense of humor. He is accused of domestic violence assault. He tells me that the last time he was in the office he saw the “victim’s” mother in the parking lot. I explain that the next time something like that happens, he should have one of us walk outside with him so we can protect him from an accusation of inappropriate behavior.  I say “you need a witness, its not like I’m going to beat her up or something…”  Ha. Yes, very funny dumbass.

Fast forward a couple hours, my foot has been surgically removed from my throat. The boss needs to leave. She has made that very clear. I tell her I can do this one thing before she leaves and then we won’t have to scramble on Monday morning. She says she’ll wait if its only going to take a minute. Then she says she also needs three other things done on that file before Monday.

I say “Well obviously that’s going to be more than a minute, so why don’t you go ahead and go? We’ll just have to scramble on Monday.”

I move on to other projects, planning on getting back to the boss’ list of things to do after finishing a few things.  Five minutes later the boss comes in my office and snippily says “I HAVE to leave now.” I say, confused, “Are you waiting for me?” She says “Yes! You said you wanted me to wait for you!” We then figure out that she wasn’t listening to me at all when I told her she should go.  She’d been sitting in her office doing whatever and waiting for me to bring her things to sign.  When we get that cleared up she’s still pissed off at me and marches out.  Good Lord.

The rest of the day is basically more of the same. Nothing major happens, just lots of scrambling to get things done before the end of the day. Don’t actually leave the office until 6:00.

So yeah, that’s a “normal” Friday for me. Do you get it now?