Things I should have learned when I turned 21

Okay, seriously embarrassed myself last night and I want to share – aren’t I weird?

First, a side note: I do NOT buy alcohol.

Ever.

Not that I wouldn’t, obviously, but I just have never had a need to go to the liquor store.  I’m 33 and I’ve been there once.

So, when I needed to buy alcohol as a gift, I took Ally into the store with me.  She asked if she should and I said sure, if you’re not supposed to be in there they’ll tell us.  There was no sign on the door about “No Minors”.  No one said anything when she walked in with me.  No one asked if she’s 21.  And I know she’s tall, but she sure as hell doesn’t look 21!!

We wander the store, we discuss different wine labels, laugh at the different types of rum, I asked the clerk a question…it was normal.  Still, no one said anything about her being there.

So I pick out the two things I’m there for, carry them up to the register and get into line.  While standing there I mention, hey those little bottles would be a cool way to try the expensive stuff.  So we look at the mini bottles of alcohol while standing in line.  I grab two and Ally grabs a bottle of Grey Goose and says “hey mom, I’ve heard of this, do you want to try it?”  I say sure, she hands it to me.  I know the clerk has been watching us and I assume its to make sure we’re not stealing anything so I don’t really care or notice.

Once its our turn to check out she asks for my ID, I hand it to her and then she asks for Ally’s.  Confused, I say  “she doesn’t have one.”  The woman gives me a look and says “and who is she?”

Me: “My daughter.”

Clerk: “Well she was handling the alcohol and if she doesn’t have an ID then I can’t sell to either of you.”

Me: “But she’s not going to drink the alcohol?!”

Clerk: “It doesn’t matter.  Our policy is that if she is old enough, she needs to stay in the car and if she comes in, she can’t touch the alcohol.”

Me: “Oh, okay, well if I send her out to the car and put that bottle back?”

Clerk: “No, I cannot sell to you.”

I wasn’t going to argue with her, I knew it wasn’t going to do me any good, and we were both mortified so we just left.

Now, after thinking about it, I’m PISSED.

There were no signs about minors.  Not one of the THREE clerks (one of whom asked if we needed help) said anything about an obvious minor in the store.  There was nothing to tell us we were doing anything wrong.  Considering the number of “policies” the woman listed off, you’d think TELL THE CUSTOMER would be one of them, but apparently not.

The worst day

Today my kid had the ” worst day in the history of man”

She’s 14.

That happens when you’re 14.

Her favorite curse words are “OH Mylanta!” and “Fridge!”

While brushing teeth it was “I can’t get the toothpaste on it! Eww there’s a hair!  No! crap!”

There were also some Napoleon Dynamite impressions in there.

Her first tweet after school was how she could only trust ONE person in her entire school.

I had to bribe her with a Slurpee to get her to spill what happened.  Boys and ex-friends were involved, of course.

And she says she should write a book about it.

Yes, maybe she should.

Sorry honey, tomorrow will be better.  Until then, I feel some 80’s music coming on. :)

Still here a year later

Today seems like as good a day as any to write a post…I miss blogging some days but most of the time its so hard to find the time to write as much as I want (and sound coherent) and then I feel guilty for not writing more.  Every time I dig out the blog and post something I promise I’m going to be better this time and post more.  Seriously, I don’t know why I do that – we all know I’m a big fat liar.   So, I’ll post when I feel like it and when I can.  That’s what Google Reader is for – it’ll tell you when I’ve gotten off my ass to write.

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Ally turns 14 tomorrow.  I just cannot believe that.

We (meaning I) had two parties this year for her; one for family (sis/hubby & 6 of their 8, mom/dad, g’pa) and then today we had the friends party.  The family party was at our house which is WAY too small for all those people, but I can’t afford anything else, so whatever.  At least we like each other! A while ago I saw a rainbow cake and decided I really wanted to make it, then I saw the rainbow cupcakes and REALLY wanted to make those.  When I showed Ally she was not as thrilled (I think her exact response was “eh”) but when I said it didn’t have to be a rainbow she got into it.

First we were going to do shades of yellow, then it was going to be shades of green, then hot pink and bright green with yellow icing.  In the end, this is how it turned out:

Ally loved it – the pink was insanely PINK and stained everything it touched.  It was fun to make though and I got to use the stand mixer my great uncle gave me for the first time.  I’m telling you, that thing makes me feel like how boys must feel when then get to use a power saw- its just COOL.

Carrie came over the morning of the 2nd party and puff painted names on t-shirts for each of the kids.  She offered to help but ended up doing it all just because she is SO good at it!  I could have never done them as good as she did.  Here’s what they all looked like at the end:

All I can say is CARRIE ROCKS

We invited 15 kids (b/c last year only 2 of the 8 we invited showed).  This year, all the boys showed up except one, but only one of the girls did.  Why is that do you think?  Why would the boys be more reliable than the girls?  One of the girls, a really good friend, actually confirmed multiple times but never showed.  I find that completely weird but hey, what do I know.

Ally wasn’t too upset about the whole thing (possibly because she was surrounded by boys for 2 hours).

Chad and I got through both parties without bickering at each other or sniping so it was a win.  Jesi and her ‘friend’ came.  The friend seems nice, but she annoys me.  I can’t decide if its because she’s really been a jerk to Ally lately or if its the fact that I can’t tell her what to do and I want to FIX her life.  It makes me crazy, but that’s for another post I think.  Its hard having an adult (ex)step-daughter because what little input I had in her life when she was younger is now gone, but I still WANT to tell her everything. That may also be because I have some control issues, but whatever.

The cake for this party was equally cool, but I didn’t make it

Can you tell we like BRIGHT colors this year?

And again, the icing was so colorful it stained everything…

We had fun, I didn’t break the bank completely and I kept my cool through two parties and cleaning the house so I’m happy. Almost as happy as Ally was right at this moment:

Ally just walked in while I was writing this post and said  “this was the best birthday ever” — I guess that says it all.

Myspace, your space and photos

My kid got a Myspace – I’m not thrilled about it but couldn’t keep her from it forever (especially after she’s been grounded from ALL computers for the last 5 months).  Be that as it may, she decided to take pics of herself to share with the world.  Don’t worry, they aren’t bad…and they aren’t bad! :)  Take a look at my cutie kid and guess which one is my favorite. ally11

ally2

ally3

ally4

ally5

ally6
ally7
Isn’t she cute??  lol  Oh, and just so you know where she gets it – here’s a pic of Jesi, her gorgeous big sister (whom she of course idolizes).

jesi

Parent: verb: To act as a parent to; raise and nurture:

It’s the verb part of the definition that confuses my ex-husband.  Not what a parent IS (ie sperm donor with visitation) but what a parent DOES.  You cannot say that you are a parent if you don’t DO anything about it.

So, when you say we are both going to punish our daughter for stealing and the punishment will be picking up dog poo at your house (because grounding her from electronics like I did means she’s going to whine at you and you don’t like that) you have to actually MAKE HER PICK UP DOG POO!

This is where he fails and she wins and I suffer.  I make a punishment (1 month no electronics of any kind) and his brilliant idea is that she has to do chores at his house and clean up dog poo every day she’s there.  But then I found out last night that not only is she not actually having to pick up the poo, the reason she doesn’t have to do it is …wait for it….. SHE DOESN’T LIKE IT!  So instead, she just has to stay outside until he tells her she can come in.  Essentially doing what she would do at his house anyway: getting a tan.

Brilliant I tell you, fucking brilliant.

So because my ex is an idiot, my kid has learned the following:
1.     If I  don’t like something, just be stubborn enough in my refusal and I won’t have to.
2.     Mom’s punishments mean jack because if I’m patient, I can just go watch t.v. at daddy’s, play on the computer and call my friends from there
3.     Daddy’s a sucker
4.     Stealing isn’t that big a deal and,
5.    Mom’s the mean one, dad’s the fun one (that’s my favorite).

When I freaked out on him about it, he had his patent response: “I’m not married to you…you can’t make me punish her at my house (apparently he’s two and “you can’t make me” is a good enough response for him)… I want to have fun with her when I see her … this is my house and you can’t control what happens here….grounding/punishing her sucks.”

No shit Sherlock, you think grounding her at my house is FUN?? You think she doesn’t argue with me every fucking step of the way?

Trying to talk to him more gets the second patent response: “you just think you’re the perfect parent and you’re not – you need to back off”

Of course I’m not the perfect parent – of course I don’t think I am – have you MET ME?? All I want is for him to back me up so I’m not doing this again next week when she steals from me again because she knows she essentially will get away with it.

Bet you can’t guess why we’re not married anymore.

Embarassing statements and white trash neighborhoods

I nearly came on here during the whole bathroom debacle and wrote “Man, I worked in the bathroom all night long and my ass is killing me!” Yeah, it would have been really funny when people started laughing at me and asking if I needed more fiber in my diet and I didn’t get it.

While taking a walk through my neighborhood today I noticed a few things.

Why is it that just taking a walk is fine, but the minute you put on headphones and bend your elbows (ala speed walkers) you are immediately not just out for a leisurely stroll, you are officially EXERCISING and people know it. It’s so much pressure!! So now, when I’m on my walks I have this horrible dilemma – do I bend the arms and announce that I’m exercising? What if people wonder why I’m not going faster, or wearing workout clothes? What if people see me and think “oh, honey, you are beyond help, you might as well just go eat bon bons and wait for death”?? Yes, these are the things I think and yes, I do believe that everyone that sees me actually has some thought about me – because I know I’m thinking about them!

I also noticed on my walk just how charming white trash can be.

First I noticed the 4 year old outside in 65 degree weather with her swimming suit on, no shoes, hose running/spraying “washing” her bike. Now I’m all for cleanliness and even for a little fun with the hose when you’re 4 but a swimming suit?? Really? In April?? Come on! And of course, it wouldn’t complete the scene unless the house she belonged to didn’t still have their Christmas lights still up!

And then, across the street and down one house from the poor unsupervised child was a woman walking to her car wearing a winter coat and ear muffs. Seriously – is the weather really that different from one side of the street to the other?? It reminded me of one of those collage scenes you see on posters with little vignettes for every season. I was just waiting for a snowman to show up in a yard around the corner.

Anyway, those are the things I noticed today.

Other news tidbits: American Idol got it right this year, the final three is nearly exactly as I said it should be all along, except it should be Carly, not Syesha as the last girl. I love both the Davids and can’t wait to see which will win. I love Cook, but Archuleta has all those teenie boppers voting for him and what else do they have to do all day but vote?? Come on, we old fogies are going to have to dial our poor fingers off! Cam you imagine American Idol before redial or before push-button phones? Hah! Each person would get 420 votes and they’d be thrilled!

Carrie told me all about Google Reader today and I’m trying to figure it out, but I can’t understand how it’s any better than an RSS reader I can put on my desktop. I’m going to keep futzing with it because Carrie is usually right about cool stuff (if you ignore the unhealthy obsessions with paper) but I’m not optimistic.

I am still on the search of AR books for Ally – this is the most cruel invention on earth. Give a kid a “reading level” that they are supposed to only read from (for Ally it’s 5.2 – 7.0 which means she can read books that are considered 5th grade through 7th grade appropriate) and then DON’T HAVE BOOKS SHE WANTS TO READ IN THOSE LEVELS!! Argh You don’t even want to know how many countless hours I have spent trying to find adventure/ghost/scary/cool/funny books that are #1-appropriate (ie not too scary), #2-interesting to her and #3 categorized as an AR book so that she can get credit for it!

What’s really frustrating about the whole process is that she is so demoralized about the whole process, she is less and less interested in reading the more I have to tell her “you can read that, but you’ll have to read something else you’re NOT interested in if you want credit in class”. Sad part is, she’s not going to get to go to Silverwood with her friends because she’s 15 credits (or approx 3 books) away from the goal and she can’t find a damned book worth reading ( in her opinion) so she won’t apply herself. Eww, I can’t believe I just said that! If I start talking about her potential, someone had better just put me out of my misery.

So that’s been my last few days – hopefully this week will finish better than it started out.

Bathroom repair for dummies

I’m at work so I plan on this post being (relatively) short, we’ll see how that goes.

LOTS of stuff is going on right now. First, I have construction going on at home that will be finished (I pray) by the end of this weekend. When it’s all done I will have all new plumbing, walls, paint and tile in my bathroom. It’s a long story how it got started but suffice it to say that when my parents get an idea in their heads (such as a PROJECT) it’s really hard to stop them. They, and my beloved g’pa, are paying for the whole shindig so there can be no complaints. There are complaints – really there are – but I know better than to voice them. Anyway, I picked out the tile (it’s gorgeous of course) and we will be installing it today, I think. And by “we” I mean mom and dad with me telling them where I want them and then going to work. There really is something to be said for parents who can be a little, umm, overbearing, at times. :)

So, good news: new bathroom for free (ish) — bad news: I haven’t had a shower in 5 days. Not to say I’m not clean, I just REALLY can’t wait until I can take a shower!

In other news:

My kid and I were driving home from somewhere and saw a guy riding his bike (not motorcycle, a bicycle) in our same direction. As we’re sitting at the light forced to stare at this guy’s spandex-covered ass (as well as the rest of him) she says “spandex is disgusting, why do people wear it??” I replied that it was okay on athletes but on normal people it was gross. She said yeah, I suppose, but it’s those other people that wear it that gross me out. I agreed and said “if you ever see me in spandex…just shoot me” she looked at me in absolute HORROR and yelled

“aww mom!! eww!! I need a delete button in my mind!!”

heehee, that’s even better than “I need to poke out my mind’s eye!” which was the previous ‘bad image in your mind’ exclamation.

That’s about it – I will be posting photos of the bathroom progress this weekend so you can see how much I haven’t been helping. :)

Oh and one other thing – while riding her brother’s bike home to go to her physical therapy appt. (for her left arm that she shattered a few months ago), the chain came off and my niece Samantha went flying.  She landed on her right arm and broke her elbow. So, bad news: broke the arm, good news: there is absolutely no doubt she’s related to me nor is there any doubt about her paternity. We are the family of odd/stupid/coincidental injuries. :)  Cami, mom, the doctor and I (all individually) said that we’re going to wrap her in bubble wrap to protect her from herself.