You want me to put it where??

I have this thing in my office that is best described as a stack of cubbies.  It used to be out in the reception area of the office and was used as a filing system for forms that we needed handy access to: like coversheets for faxes, transmittals for stuff we were sending to court, etc.

After a while, we were only using maybe one or two forms out of this thing and it was just in the way and ugly so we moved it into my office and I use it to put my envelopes, labels, and other crap in.  It is only about half full and sits under my desk but whatever – its not taking up space.  The forms got moved into a binder called, conveniently, the forms notebook.  Its even labeled “FORMS NOTEBOOK” in big fat letters.

Anyway, boss comes in my office today with a document, kneels down and starts reading the old labels on each cubby.

Boss: “I have this form, we don’t need it very often but we need to save it….”

Me: “Forms don’t go in here”

Boss: “We won’t need it very often, but we need to keep it”

Me: “Forms don’t go in here”

Boss: (finally looks at me with a confused look on her face) “But we need to save it.”

Me: “Okay, but forms don’t go in here.”

Boss: “You think I should put it in the forms notebook?”



Why I hate Fridays

No one ever thinks I’m serious when I say that I hate Fridays but its true.

If something is going to go wrong it’ll happen on a Friday.

If people are going to be pissy, snotty, in a hurry, missing a sense of humor, or rude I’ll have to talk to them on a Friday.

Every task that I wasn’t able to do all week (or put off all week) will HAVE to be done on Friday.

Every task that I need to do next week will now need to be done on Friday.

Fridays are days when people don’t want to work and are pissed at me when I make them.

Fridays are days when people call the office with an EMERGENCY and don’t understand why I can’t fix it before the weekend. Nevermind that they’ve known about this emergency since Tuesday.

You still don’t believe me? Well, let me give you an example of a Friday. This is all true, exactly how it happened and if you don’t believe me, ask the people I work with.

Woke up late (nothing new here) I usually don’t worry about what time I get to work as long as I beat my boss. Not that she says anything, its just a goal. Anyway, ran to get my only clean pair of jeans out of the dryer and realize my cat has peed IN THE DRYER. She only ended up peeing on two things, but of course one of them is my jeans. So much for clean jeans.

Pull into the parking lot at work right behind my boss. End up walking into the office with her. Lovely. Well…at least I don’t smell like cat pee.

As I’m getting my cup of coffee I get a call from an opposing counsel’s secretary. I spend the next 10 minutes getting my head ripped off by a snotty, pushy woman who insists that I am a moron. Now I’m too pissed off to even drink the damned coffee.

Spend the rest of the morning scrambling to get an ex parte order written and arguing with my boss about the best strategy on the case. I won that argument, but that means more work for me. Its Friday, so I have 3 other projects that HAVE to get done today but now I have to do all this first.

Have to unplug my printer 3 times and restart WordPerfect twice to get documents to print because my computer has decided NOT to communicate with the printer unless I jump through hoops. Because its Friday and it doesn’t want to be there any more than I do.

Meanwhile my boss has taken up residence across from me at my desk. She has moved my things out of her way and brought her work in there instead of going into her office with her desk. Apparently she wants company.

I didn’t get a real lunch hour (too much to do) but that’s okay, I’ll just run to the Sunmart, get a pop and a red bull (remember, I didn’t drink my coffee so now my ass is dragging). Get the pop and the red bull, go to the car and open the red bull which was dumb because the pop doesn’t fit in the cupholder very well and I should really hold the pop on the drive. Oh well, I’ll just be careful. Pull out of the parking lot – no problem. Drive the mile back to the office – no problem. Pull into our parking lot – no problem. Turn the corner in the parking lot to park the car – pop flies across the car. In my reaction to grab the pop before it spills, I take my hand off the steering wheel mid-turn which means I’m now heading directly for a tree. Slam on the breaks to keep from hitting said tree and the momentum causes my purse to go flying off the passenger seat and into the 32 ounce puddle on the floor. Upside down.

Good news? I didn’t hit the tree.

Throughout the day, every time my cell phone rang or I got a personal call or text, you can bet the boss was RIGHT THERE. Not that she cares a lot when we take care of stuff like that, but she does frown on it when its in her face and when we’re busy. Both of which were true today. Because its Friday, of course.

One of our newer clients comes in, I’ve only met him once and I have no idea if he even has a sense of humor. He is accused of domestic violence assault. He tells me that the last time he was in the office he saw the “victim’s” mother in the parking lot. I explain that the next time something like that happens, he should have one of us walk outside with him so we can protect him from an accusation of inappropriate behavior.  I say “you need a witness, its not like I’m going to beat her up or something…”  Ha. Yes, very funny dumbass.

Fast forward a couple hours, my foot has been surgically removed from my throat. The boss needs to leave. She has made that very clear. I tell her I can do this one thing before she leaves and then we won’t have to scramble on Monday morning. She says she’ll wait if its only going to take a minute. Then she says she also needs three other things done on that file before Monday.

I say “Well obviously that’s going to be more than a minute, so why don’t you go ahead and go? We’ll just have to scramble on Monday.”

I move on to other projects, planning on getting back to the boss’ list of things to do after finishing a few things.  Five minutes later the boss comes in my office and snippily says “I HAVE to leave now.” I say, confused, “Are you waiting for me?” She says “Yes! You said you wanted me to wait for you!” We then figure out that she wasn’t listening to me at all when I told her she should go.  She’d been sitting in her office doing whatever and waiting for me to bring her things to sign.  When we get that cleared up she’s still pissed off at me and marches out.  Good Lord.

The rest of the day is basically more of the same. Nothing major happens, just lots of scrambling to get things done before the end of the day. Don’t actually leave the office until 6:00.

So yeah, that’s a “normal” Friday for me. Do you get it now?

I am SO changing my name!!

This is from my new favorite site Overheard in the Office

She’s What Happens When the Witness Relocation People Smoke Too Much Pot

PA: Buffy Capri, please call the operator, Buffy Capri.
Secretary #1: Who the hell is Buffy Capri?
Secretary #2: I don’t know. An exotic dancer or a porn star?
Secretary #1: Buffy Capri, you’re wanted on the lido deck.
Secretary #3: She’s a paralegal. With a dumb name.

Atlanta, Georgia

By the way, while speaking of favorite things, my new favorite dessert is my homemade creamsicle milkshake. It’s freaking AWESOME.

Oh, and another one cuz I just can’t stop and this sounds so much like my boss:

Now That I’ve Talked to You Verbally

Boss on speakerphone: Yes, I need the data charts for the presentation tomorrow, could you e-mail them to me electronically?
Employee: Electronically? Uhhhh, yes, I’ll do it right away.

Houston, Texas

Overheard by: Corporate stooge

Ahh, good old tech support…

This is the actual transcript (read: copied and pasted from chat box) of my convoluted conversation with McAfee tech support. The first part is the question that you send before chat even starts. The rest is the chat portion of our entertainment for today. Enjoy.

FYI: You have to set up an account so that you can get updates and emails, etc from the company.


I have 4 computers, I bought two 3-user versions of McAfee Internet Security Suite so that I could cover all four computers – is that going to cause problems with licensing? Do I install like normal on the first 3 computers and on the 4th set up a new account?
Sriram: Hi, my name is Sriram and I will be assisting you today.
Customer: hello…did you already see my question or do I need to repeat myself? :)
Sriram: you would like to add a licence for teh fourth computer, correct?
Customer: no, I have two discs for 3 users each, just need to know how best to install that fourth computer so I don’t confuse things
Customer: I bought them separately, (separate boxes etc)
Customer: I would like all of them to be with the same user name, account info, but if that will confuse the issue because it’s two separate install discs, no problem
Sriram: you don’t have to install McAfee through Cd and you can download McAfee through Internet.
Customer: okay, but do I have to pay again for the 4th computer if I try to download more than 3?
Sriram: Yes, you have to pay for the fourth since you have licence only for 3 computers.
Customer: okay, but I have, essentially, 6 licenses because I bought two 3-user discs…right?
Sriram: If you have 6 licence user pack, you can install teh fourth computer.
Customer: no. I have 2 discs
Customer: one is for 3 users
Customer: the other is also for 3 users
Customer: bought separately
Sriram: If you have two 3 user licence packs, you can install it on the fourth PC.
Customer: that’s what I thought. My question is, can I use the same account information (log-in, password, etc) for the 4th computer/second disc
Sriram: yes, you can use the same account information for the fuorth computer
Customer: okay, that’s all I needed to know. Thank you


For God’s sake!! Was I not clear? Is this SO hard to figure out? I have TWO discs! TWO! No, I don’t need another license, I have TWO DISCS!! They both have a big “3 USERS” in big, bold, red printing on the damned disc.


Beautiful days are for outside

So here I sit at work on this beautiful day and in protest of being stuck inside, I am blogging instead of working.

Tomorrow, bright and early, I get to go to Ally’s school and have an emergency conference with 3 of her teachers.  Woo freaking hoo.  She’s still alive – buy maybe not for long.  Apparently, and I’m paraphrasing here, my kid is the bane of her teachers’ existence and they are tired of her shenanigans so they’ve called on me to do some actual butt-kicking.

And believe me, butt will be kicked.  Just off school grounds so I can’t get arrested.

Other than that, its been a really nice weekend. Got some cleaning and yard work done, went shopping for beds, mattresses and couches.  Ally had a bed all picked out, but Pam from work called yesterday and she just happened to have a full-sized bed that she doesn’t want and delivered it – with an almost new mattress and box-spring with it. So now I just have to deal with the “but I wanted…”  thing.

Oh, here comes the boss – back to this later!

My New Year’s Resolution this year? Write more in my blog. It’s now January 31st, probably should get to that. :)

I can’t even remember what I wrote in my last post to be able to update from there, how sad is that? There was drama with the cat — who is now banished from the office because she seems to think there is nothing in here she can’t climb on! There were holidays and funerals, bad driving and worse weather – all in all it’s been an exciting month.

First, the quick stuff: I have a crush on my chiropractor (he’s a cutie and I think it could be mutual), my ex quit his job (with my approval – someone slap me), I have a new favorite book, it’s called 1001 Extraordinary Uses For Ordinary Things …who knew there were that many uses for baking soda, butter or empty buckets??  (Obviously, I’m only up to the B’s).

Aunt Margaret’s funeral was on January 13th, it was – to me – more of a church service with a little memorial thrown in than the affairs I’m used to, but it’s what Uncle Bob wanted, so whatever. We, the collective of mom, dad, Cami, Katie, Sam, Ally, me and Uncle Bob all spent exactly as much time in a two bedroom together as we could stand – about 18 hours (9 of which were spent sleeping). The girls did well, although they did abandon Katie twice in one day, both times involving bathroom visits. No idea what that’s all about.

The first time, Ally was in a stall, Sam came in to the bathroom with Katie – Sam apparently just left Katie there to do her thing telling Ally that she was leaving Katie there. Did I mention that Katie just turned 3 in November? Anyway, Katie finishes, Sam is gone and Ally is still, ahem, busy. So Katie just leaves. When Ally gets done, she does a cursory glance for Katie and then goes back to the funeral reception (you know, the part where everyone eats and cries at the same time). Ally doesn’t mention to anyone that Katie is missing, no mention to anyone that Sam had left Katie with her and Sam doesn’t ask. So about 5 minutes later I noticed that Katie wasn’t there and asked where she was. At that point Ally looks at Sam (who is sitting right next to her) and says “I thought you had her”. What?? How could she….she’s been with you….nevermind.

This all led to a panicked few minutes of searching until the ladies from the retirement home NEXT DOOR delivered a happily doted-on Katie back to the church. She’s fine, Cami didn’t know anything until it’s all over…we are all okay.

Needless to say, the girls were as severely punished as a parent can punish their child while in the middle of a funeral reception. Which apparently wasn’t harsh enough because they did it again the next day. Nanny material they obviously are not.

The second job is not going well – I’m not doing things nearly fast enough for my bosses, I’m so stressed because I know they’re not happy with me that it makes me want to avoid my work – which means I do things slower – which pisses them off – which stresses me out.

You see the pattern.

Anyway, I haven’t decided what I want to do. I love the work. LOVE the work, but the job – eh. This was never intended to be a long term 2nd job. It was supposed to turn into something I could support myself with, but it’s not and I don’t think it will. I don’t get very many cases at all – some of that due to the fact that I’m not fast enough so they don’t give me many cases and some of it because there just aren’t that many cases I can do or to do for that matter. All that combined with the fact that I am making less at this job than my other, without benefits, makes it difficult. I wish I could guarantee that this was going to get better (less stressful) and be able to support us, but I just don’t know.

I admit, there’s a little pride/ego there too- I mean how freaking cool is it that I get to tell people when they ask what I do that “I’m a P.I.”? Who wouldn’t want to be able to say that?? Only thing that sounds cooler is “I’m a spy” but that’s not a job you can do when you’re seriously overweight and have a twelve-year-old at home. Or at least that opportunity hasn’t fallen in my lap yet. To have to give up telling people that and go back to my boring “I’m a paralegal/office manager” just is NOT the same.

The house is good – although there’s an ominous running water sound in the bathroom ALL the time that makes me nervous and is driving me slowly insane. I am 89% sure it’s the leaky faucet attached to the hose outside, but I (of course) worry it’s some broken pipe somewhere under the house that’s slowly sucking us into a pit – but I just haven’t had the time to find out. Apparently I have to find the main shut-off valve for the house, but heck if I know where that is! Plus, it’s too cold to go outside!

Speaking of cold, we got a record 7 inches of snow in 24 hours here, conveniently preceded by 1.5 inches of freezing rain. Woohoo – SNOW DAYS! Not for me, but for Ally. Unfortunately, she was sick the whole time (thanks Charlie the Chain Smoking Chimney) and didn’t get to enjoy any of it. I -oh joy- got to drive in it, thank God I got those damned $600.00 snow tires on my car.

I know, I can hear you out there thinking $600.00!! That’s way too much to pay for snow tires! For Pete’s sake April, you live in the desert – why ever did you spend all that??

Why? I’ll tell you why, because no one told me I didn’t have to, that’s why. Those were the cheapest studs Les Schwab had, and I needed to go over the pass for the funeral, so I bought them. It wasn’t until I was AT HOME and had DRIVEN ON THEM that my dad (who I talked to while I was buying them) said, “oh honey, you should have just bought re-treads. They would have done you just fine, and they only cost $150.00.”

Dad’s funeral is next week – we plan to lose at least two kids at that one. :)

Just kidding. Love ya dad (not that he reads this, he’s aversion for computers reigns supreme). Oh well, mom will pass this along to him I’m sure.